Ova žena se pokušala ubiti nekoliko dana prije ove fotografije: “Vidite li demone u mojim očima”

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Nedavno je podijelila fotografiju koju je sa svojom djecom snimila samo nekoliko dana prije nego što je pokušala počiniti samoubistvo.

– Ova fotografija nastala je nekoliko dana prije nego što sam pokušala sebi oduzeti život. Tako mi je drago što nisam uspjela. Djeci nikad nije bolje bez mame. Većinu svog života vodim borbu s depresijom i anksioznošću, a prošlog januara mračni dijelovi mog uma počeli su pobjeđivati – započela je ona.

Dodala je da je u to vrijeme po cijele dane spavala, ostavljajući djecu pred televizorom.

– Nisam bila mama kakvu su poznavali. Počela sam postajati osoba koju ni ja nisam poznavala. Jednog popodneva mi je prišao moj petogodišnjak dok sam ležala u odjeći koju sam nosila cijelu sedmicu, kose u čvorovima i s bočicama lijekova oko sebe i pitao me zašto spavam tako mnogo. To je bio tren kad sam shvatila da nisam dobro – priznala je.

 

Pogledajte ovu objavu na Instagramu.

 

This is the face of anxiety. The bloody, scratched up face. If you think this is bad, you should see my scalp. ⁣ ⁣ Growing up with severe anxiety, was many things. And I’ve talked openly about my struggles with it. But one thing I’ve never showed, is how bad it really can look. ⁣ ⁣ Yes, anxiety can be hidden, and you may not be able to tell a person is suffering. But other times, like this, it shows it’s ugly head. All over my face. ⁣ ⁣ Anxiety makes me do things I don’t recognize. I pick my skin until it bleeds, I second guess if anyone actually wants to be around me, I constantly want to apologize about everything. It’s a forever battle in my mind, of caring too much, all of the damn time. ⁣ ⁣ For years, I would do things to ease my anxiety. I would try drinking, I would try medication, I would try meditating, basically anything that was shown to help improve anxiety. And while I have gotten significantly better at dealing with it, I still have my days. ⁣ ⁣ Anxiety for me, stems from a fear of not being able to escape spaces. I always need a way out, whether it be a room, or a plane. And if I don’t have a way out, I panic. I feel sick to my stomach, I run out of breathe, I cry even, and I pick my skin. ⁣ ⁣ This is the aftermath of yesterday, from me riding on a sky train. It was too tight, too cramped, and just too damn scary for me. I couldn’t get out, and that was the scariest thought to me. ⁣ ⁣ Anxiety can look like many different things, and many different faces. For me, it’s a bloody, scratched up face. ⁣ ⁣ It’s not easy to show this, but it’s real. ⁣ ⁣ This is me, the day after an anxiety attack. This is what it can look like. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth. ⁣

Objavu dijeli Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) Stu 13, 2019 u 12:34 PST

Nakon toga je počela slušati mračnu stranu svog uma.

– Čula sam glas u glavi koji mi je govorio da sam na teret svojoj djeci, da sam na teret svima i da bi im život bio lakši da mene nema. Tada sam odlučila da ću sve završiti popivši miks pilula. Sjećam se da sam plakala dok sam praznila bočice i na internetu tražila koliko mi je potrebno da se više ne probudim. Nisam, zapravo, htjela umrijeti, samo sam htjela da bol prestane – navodi ona.

 

Pogledajte ovu objavu na Instagramu.

 

It’s okay, momma. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry on the floor, when it’s all just too much. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to go for a walk when you feel yourself getting too worked up. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay when the little things overwhelm you, and you feel yourself wanting to scream, but you have nothing left. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to look at your kids and remember the carefree life you had before, and miss it. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay turn the TV on and let it babysit your kids while you take a hot shower, to escape just for a little bit. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to cry in the car on the way to take your kids to school. When the stress of it all catches up to you. ⁣ ⁣ Momma, it’s okay. ⁣ ⁣ Breathe. ⁣ ⁣ Let it out. ⁣ ⁣ Cry if you need to. ⁣ ⁣ You don’t need to be strong forever. ⁣ ⁣ You carry the weight of your family’s world on your shoulders. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to admit sometimes it’s just too much for one person. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to let it out, momma. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay.

Objavu dijeli Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) Lis 14, 2019 u 4:07 PDT

Spasila ju je njena majka, koja je baš u tom trenutku došla na vrata, shvatila o čemu se radi i spriječila je.

– Podsjetila me koliko mi treba moja mama i koliko mojoj djeci ja trebam. Možete vidjeti demone s kojima sam se borila na ovoj slici. Možete ih vidjeti ispod slojeva šminke. Možete ih vidjeti u mojim praznim očima. Skoro godinu poslije, tu sam. Sa svojom djecom. Još se borim s glasovima u glavi, ali ne više sama. Prihvatila sam pomoć. Prošla sam dugo i ružno putovanje. Ali, tu sam i borim se. Vaša vas djeca trebaju. Niste teret. Vašoj djeci nikad neće biti bolje bez vas – poručila je, piše “Avaz“.

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